Why Your Feedback Triggers Defensiveness—and How to Stop It

Have you ever tried to give someone feedback—and suddenly felt like you’d stepped on a landmine?

I see this struggle so often in leadership. You offer what you think is fair, constructive feedback, and the other person immediately shuts down or gets defensive.

When someone goes into defense mode, it’s often not about the feedback itself.

It’s about shame.

Even in my own life, when I hear, “Matt, the behavior you enacted was wrong,” what my shame brain often hears is, “Matt, you are wrong. You’re a failure. You’re bad.”

And it’s nearly impossible to take responsibility or make a genuine repair when your nervous system is screaming that your worth is under attack.

When I coach leaders, I often help them navigate this exact dynamic—how to give feedback in a way that bypasses shame and creates space for real accountability.

It is possible.

But it requires awareness and a real shift in how we communicate.

Once you learn how to speak in a way that others can actually hear—everything changes.